How I Became An Immortal Pokémon Master
by spitfire-panda
Summary: A new Champion of the Pokémon League has been crowned and now they seek to capture the Creator of the Universe. But Arceus is not amused, much. This is comedy and parody, not meant to be taken seriously. The protagonist is whoever you want them to be. I had a good laugh writing this and I hope that you have a good laugh reading it :)


It was a cold, stormy night as I climbed the Spear Pillar. My heart pounded with each step. I knew that my Pokémon were powerful. Afterall, I was the Sinnoh Champion. But the Pokémon that awaited me atop the pillar was greater still. Its presence was palpable as the air became dense, like wading through Jell-o. My breathing became labored and my heart and mind raced frantically. I questioned whether or not I should even be attempting this, and I fell down in terror at my own hubris on more than one occasion. But after a minute I would always pick myself up and force myself forward. This was something that I had to do. It was a calling that was driving me forward without pause. I ground my teeth as I made that final step and reached the peak of the Spear Pillar.

"Greetings, human," came a voice from the blinding light ahead of me. I shielded my eyes and forced my shaking knees to keep me standing.

"I'm here to capture you!" I said, though my voice came out as a whimper rather than the commanding tone I had envisioned.

"I'm sorry, child, but I am beholden to no one. It is my will that gave birth to this universe. I will take orders from no trainer, human or otherwise. For I am God, and no power can contain me."

"T-then we will battle," I said, still whimpering. I sent out my first Pokémon, a Garchomp I had lovingly named Snuggles. It exited its poké ball and roared. It roared again and my heart was filled with pride. Its third and final roar lasted almost a full thirty seconds, its defiant tone filling me with courage. I raised my hand high and tapped the mega ring on my wrist; my Garchomp evolved mid roar and the Spear Pillar shook with its might.

_ We can win this,_ I told myself. _We can do what no one else has ever done before!_

"Go, Snuggles! Use Dragon Claw!" I yelled as excitement and the joy of battle filled every facet of my being.

Snuggles charged Arceus, his claws raised for a massive strike. Then, out of nowhere, an invisible force struck Snuggles from the side and sent him flying over the edge. I rushed to the edge of the pillar and watched my friend fall helplessly to the ground below, cursing myself for being so careless. A full minute passed and Snuggles still hadn't hit the bottom.

"Are you not going to call him back to his poké ball?" Arceus asked.

"Oh, crap!" I said as I struggled to pull his ball off of my belt. Then came a loud **thud** as Snuggles struck the ground below. A weak, mumbled roar reached my ears as tears welled up in my eyes.

"He says he's alright, and 'Thanks for the save', though there was a definite note of sarcasm in his voice."

"I get it! I messed up," I said angrily as I called him back to his poké ball. I was amazed that it worked at that distance, but I chose not to question it. I would rush him back to a Pokémon Center as soon as possible, but first I had a job to do. I grabbed another poké ball and raised it high. With a yell of defiance in memory of my poor, injured Snuggles, I chose my next Pokémon.

"KissyFace, I choose you!"

With a vicious roar to match that of Snuggles, my Mightyena took the field of battle. She gave three great battle cries, in honor of her fallen comrade I assumed, and I was so filled with strength that I couldn't help but join her.

"You know those are actually howls of pain," Arceus said. "She hates her name so much that she's actually lamenting it."

"Shut up, God! I won't believe your lies! I can see that our combined strength scares you, and now I will take my revenge! Use Retaliate, KissyFace!"

KissyFace charged Arceus at full speed before she was struck with that invisible energy that had defeated Snuggles. She flew off the edge of the pillar with a bark of surprise. I ran to the side and watched in horror as my poor Pokémon plummeted to the ground below.

"Call it back into its poké ball," God said with a sigh of frustration.

"Oh, crap," I responded as the familiar loud **thud** of a Pokémon hitting the ground echoed through the mountains. It was followed pained whimper and a weak bark.

"KissyFace is lamenting her life choices now."

"Shut up, God! I'm not done yet!"

I called KissyFace back into her poké ball and ran back to my battle position, but no matter which Pokémon I used they were all defeated in the same way. Fortunately, they all survived the fall off of Spear Pillar, but not without hitting the bottom first. When my whole team had been defeated I slumped my shoulders in exhaustion, but their roars of defiance had filled me with a driving need to defeat the mighty Arceus and avenge their efforts.

"I created the heavens and the earth, and all that is, but I cannot figure out how you became Champion of the Pokémon League."

I panted heavily, and gave a sly grin as sweat poured down my face.

"That's because I am the very best, like no one ever was!"

"Then I marvel at the continued survival of your species."

"Don't talk down to me, God! You may have defeated Snuggles, and KissyFace, and LoveBug, and Huggalicious, and SmoochyBear, and ShnoodleBum, but you haven't defeated me! In honor of their memories, I will defeat you!"

I took an empty ultra ball from my backpack and threw it. It bounced off of Arceus with no effect and fell to the ground at its feet. I emptied my pack of fifty ultra balls, each one failing to even try to capture the creature. Arceus stared at me in annoyance, but made no move. I moaned, regained my composure, and with one final roar of defiance I charged the all mighty Arceus, my fist raised high in rage. As I approached the Pokémon I was struck with an invisible force. I felt my feet leave the ground as I threw my foot out to regain purchase on the peak of the Spear Pillar. Just as I reached the edge the tips of my toes found the floor and I stood there precariously, perched on one leg, gravity threatening to pull me to my doom at any second.

"I call hax," Arceus said in mild disbelief with just a hint of laughter. "How did that not send you to the ground as it did to all of your Pokémon?"

"Because I'm the very best, and I call…" I said as I felt myself falling over the side. I fumbled in my pocket for one final poké ball, and felt joy as my desperate hand wrapped around it.

"I call Master Ball!" I yelled as my foot finally slipped and I tottered over the side of Spear Pillar. I threw the ball as I fell and time seemed to slow down around me. The Master Ball hit Arceus and opened, dragging the shocked deity inside. Then the ball zoomed back to my hand as I fell to the ground below.

I woke on the cold ground sometime later. I could tell from the pain that every bone in my body was broken, save for my right arm. My right hand held the Master Ball firmly in its grasp atop my chest. I smiled as I looked at my prize and felt warmth radiating from the ball. Arceus was showering me with love from our newfound friendship. I just knew that we were going to be the best of friends as I closed my eyes and clutched the Master Ball to my chest. When I opened my eyes again, a tall figure dressed in a long, dark robe and hood stood over me.

"Are you a Pokémon?" I asked drowsily.

"No, child. I am the one that humans call the Grim Reaper. I am here to take your soul to the afterlife."

"What?" I said in disbelief. "No way. That's impossible! I can't die yet. I just became champion and accomplished all of my dreams! You have to give me a stay."

"I am afraid that only the Word of God, and those that work under it, can stay the hand of death."

"Only the Word of God?" I said, raising a bloody eyebrow at the phrase. "Well I've got God in a poké ball and he says that you have to let me live!"

I pressed the button on my Master Ball and Arceus shot forth in a burning beam of light.

"HOW DARE YOU, MORTAL! YOUR BONES SHALL NEVER HEAL! I SHALL GRIND YOUR SOUL INTO POWERDER TO DRINK IN MY…"

"Shut up, God," I said as I forced it back into its ball.

"Well… that just happened," the Grim Reaper said. "I think I need a stiff drink… and maybe a good night's sleep."

"Yeah, you go do that. I'm just going to crawl to the next town."

Death and I went our separate ways as I pocketed the Master Ball. I began pulling myself with my good arm all the way to Oreburgh City where I would continue to live as an invalid. Death would go bar hopping and never stop. That's how I became an immortal Pokémon Master and the Grim Reaper became an alcoholic.


End file.
